the sickness of existence.

http://tuesmonpetitecouchon.blogspot.com/2008/11/vote-fuck-you.html

hence i've given up on politics. so many things need to happen. so many things (next to all of them) aren't what they're called. fucking misnomers. it's all such a fucking scam. sham. and i alone can't do anything to change it. so i've done what comes naturally to me and a startling majority: i've given up. i choose to focus my energy on other more trivial tasks that allow me an easy out should my ways be questioned. =) such a happy existence... all i have to do equal a damn right parenthese and everything is just dandy. i could spend my life fighting for a cause. the outcomes of which are: a) nobody hears or listens to what i have to say, b) people do listen, no changes actually come about and i go down in history as a hero who dedicated his life to such and such a cause, c) somebody kills me and i become a martyr against my will, or d) changes do come about, only i'm either dead or too old and decrepit to know what happened so i still die unrequited. personally that's not for me.if that's such a bad thing oh well i guess. there's my easy out. my thoughts for all they may or may not be worth.

so many people would say that life is better, more fulfilling, more worthwhile if you dedicate your life to some cause. personally i'm selfish i guess. i'd rather do things for myself. dedicate my life to myself. not that i'm the most important person, but just because i've found in my short 18 years that i'm happier living for myself rather than society. of course there are certain things that come with more difficulty in such a position. finding employment is one such thing. and maintaining relationships can also be difficult with this stance. i can't count the number of people i've driven away with my antisocial bullshit. but i don't change. i won't change. i don't feel that i should have to comprimise myself and my values, morals, whatever the fuck you want to call them, to survive in this world. especially a country like america which is founded on freedom. i should be free to do what i will so long as i'm not harming other people.

but no. america, land of the free, doesn't particularly like me. sure i can have my thoughts, and dress how i like, and spout what i want to spout about whatever i want to spout about, but it seems so far in my life that if that's the way i plan to lead my life i'm going to be forever stuck living with my mother with no job, etc. etc. etc. it seems that eccentricity comes at a price. i'm not willing to pay that price however, or comprimise my eccentricity. my eccentricity isn't eccentricity to me: it is me. in my eyes, i am what i do. i am what i say i am. i am.

i am. period. i just, plain and fucking simple, no bells no whistles, i am. i exist. at times that thought nauseates me. existence as a whole nauseates me from time to time. the fact that it's so simple yet complex. every moment in our lives is. the moment doesn't exist. everything in it does though. moments, and minutes, and hours, days, weeks, years, months. time. it's a concept invented by man to chronicle it's adventures. it's a filing system. what's real, what exists, is what's in those moments. as you read this you exist. your desk exists. your computer exists. the electrical impluses within it exist. the words you're reading however. they don't exist. the image of them exists. but the words themselves are only an idea. and ideas do not exist. think about that. ideas. the thoughts in your head. they don't exist unto themselves. they are entirely a part of you. you exist. but your thoughts are just energy. the energy exists, but not the thought.

and our thoughts, even us period, have no specific purpose in this world. everything that exists does so with no order or if there is an order it's not for any specific reason. everything just is. in a big jumble of people and trees and air and molecules and energy and everything is bouncing off itself and everything else and it doesn't matter if it's random or ordered, because it'll still continue to bounce and jump and spin around and around with no final destination. every existent ends up where it dies and that's it. once it's dead it is no more. people die and they cease to exist. trees die and the tree ceases to exist. it becomes a corpse. but the tree is gone. the person becomes a corpse and is gone. the person does not exist. it has become a corpse. that corpse will be buried because people do what they will. they have their thoughts and beliefs which ultimately mean nothing, but they take the corpse and bury it somewhere. and eventually that corpse ceases to exist. it becomes the dirt which is around it. it becomes feces. it becomes minerals. it becomes decor. whatever. but the corpse ceases to exist. are you nauseous yet?

take the people who have gone down in history. the people remembered forever. they don't really exist. that person who said this important thing, and did these important things, and dedicated his life to such and such an important cause, doesn't exist. depending on who that person is, the corpse that once was his body still exists. but that person ceased to exist the moment he died. and the idea of that person never existed in the first place. pictures of him in newspapers existed, though only the picture. the image. the ink on the paper. printed words about him existed. not as words but only as ink on paper. the person and all the ideals he represented do not exist. so what's the point of becoming that person? all they have to show for it are some bones and some ink on paper. and they don't exist any longer so they can't even show that much for it.

it may sound like bullshit, but if you think about it it should make sense. the question i ask, or have been asked is: if everything ceases to exist at the moment of death what's the point of doing anything until then? my answer to that question is simply, whatever satisfies you. i personally don't care if what satisfies you is raping 7 year old girls with morning stars while filling their eyes with mace and 15 day old crusty cum. that personally doesn't satisfy me in the least, in fact it makes me nauseous. but it's not my place to tell you what the appropriate way to live your life is. yes i believe that it is a very bad thing to do. i don't believe that other people should have to suffer for you to have a fulfilling life. but it's not my place to stop you. i don't believe it's anybody's place to tell you how to live your life, but it's not my place to stop them from telling you that. satisfaction doesn't have to be a pleasure activity, or a leisure activity. it doesn't have to benefit you in any way other than making you satisfied with what your life means to you. ghandi was satisfied with his life. that was wonderful. jeffrey dahmer may have also been satisfied with his life. that's just as wonderful. neither life would be satisfying for me, but it did the trick for them, so who am i to say they're wrong? they're not wrong. nobody's wrong unless they're lying to themselves. authenticity. be authentic. be true to yourself and your beliefs. if you are then even the sickness of existence should be bearable.

whine

i can't believe i wrote such drivel...