nostalgia

summer's over.
one more end in my life.
newton's third law
is just a bit slow to act.

"for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"

for every loss in my life
i should have an equal gain
should i not?

well i'm just about
to fall and drown
in nostalgia again

emotion wearing through
the apathetic mask
usually so rational
now with a quivering voice and lip
welled up eyes glassy
lost in thought
drowning in nostalgia as well

this proud man
always self made
bed ridden
unable to make himself
such a swift decay
four months
now they just want him
comfortable

i know what that means.
and i shrug it off
but there's more
what really happens after?
not to him
but to the rest.



it's going to be a long winter. a long bad winter. it's the end of an era. it's the end of one of the summers of my life. i keep slipping into nostalgic pools of consciousness. i need to start walking more carefully. i have to be carefull not to run too fast. and i need to learn not to panic when i do fall. that i can just tread nostalgia long enough to swim over to the edge of the pool and climb out. but nostalgia is thicker than water. and i've got weaker lungs than i should. but i can climb out. i know i can. i think... my grandfather is dying of a brain tumor. he's bed ridden in his living room. and i'm on night watch. i sit up with him all night to make sure he sleeps well. my grandmother and her sister in law can't stay up that late. it's depressing. seeing them in this state. all of them. i've only known my grandfather to go to a hospital once in my life. and now he's bedridden and almost incoherent. i've never seen my grandmother so emotional and nostalgic. and i've never seen such affection on this side of my family as i'm seeing between my grandfather and his sister. twin sister. it's getting to me, but it's not unbearable. but other stressors outside of the family are always a factor. and if they get to be too great then i may be a little fucked. i just hope that the outside world comes to my aid this time and does something to help me for once. there's so much shit going on at once. my grandfather dying. my cousin's father is schizophrenic in an asylum for recovery and his parents are trying to take my cousin away from my grandmother. they're the reason his father is in an asylum and they want to fuck his head too. it's just ridiculous. and the stress my grandmother is under right now. it's amazing she can get out of bed in the morning or answer the phone. such admirable strength really. such conviction. but i can see her buckling. so i sit up all night watching my grandfather die. i didn't get a chance to with my other one. my father didn't want me around it. one decision of his that i do resent. the rest i don't care about. but that one. it does bother me. i'll never get around to telling thim though. whatever. it doesn't matter. fuck it. life goes on. always.